Make Change

Finding Strength in Support: Preventing Burnout in Challenging Times

It’s the end of a quarter and the end of a season. I am feeling both a wind-up toward the end of the year (and yes the election in the US) and a wind-down into what can and cannot fit into this calendar year’s time.

Lately, I have been working with a few clients, making big things happen in their worlds and organizations or businesses. People are activating new visions and directions, trying out new ways of working in their teams, updating their entire structure, or growing teams and budgets to double the year before.

We are experiencing major transitions and are preparing—this time with a little more awareness—for the possibility of even greater transitions.

I feel it.
Do you feel it?

If you feel the rapidness of transitions and changes on the horizon, the rest of this post is for you (even if you aren’t in a big transformation or high-stress moment).

With all the changes happening, many of the folks I work with are pushing harder than before. They are working to move big ideas into action—fast. They need to show up for many disparate team members to support their emotions through the transitions. 

When we push fast, go at a nonstop pace, and feel like a lot of human well-being is at stake, it can lead to overwhelm, nonstop stress, and, if we don’t slow down… burnout.

I am worried that burnout is right around the corner for many of us.

So I wanted to offer an anecdote to burnout that may be different than you are thinking about…

YES to avoid burnout… 
↘ find short breaks and pauses,
↘ connect with other passions and identities outside where you spend most of your time,  
↘ take longer breaks, and reduce what you are “doing.” 

(Okay – sorry – if even reading that is stressful… and you are like, “HOW ANNIE!” Keep reading because the following is a first STEP before you even take a short break.)

What is the number one way to avoid burnout?

Get help.

Getting support is one of the best ways to avoid burnout and reduce the stress of rapid changes and future instabilities.


The belief that leads to burnout

What leads to burnout and overwhelm is the belief (and the action that follows that belief) that we have to be the ones to do it all and get it all done. And even be the ones to carry out the ideal version of our vision for the future.

You may also be inside a culture (country, institution, family) that feeds the belief that it is all on you. 

You alone must complete the project, see the vision through, and do it well with little support. If you ask for help, “you are fill in the blank (weak, incompetent, inadequate, powerless).”

When you go it alone this leads to exhaustion and, inevitably, burnout.

(See a definition of burnout in the resources.)


Types of support

At least three kinds of help can pull you back from the edge and bring you back to yourself and life’s natural ebb and flow.

Types of support that reduce stress during challenge and change:

  1. Listening and accompaniment
  2. Offering resources, advice, expertise
  3. Taking on some of the workload

Ideally, you stack ALL of these types of support in times of stress.


Asking for support

At times of overwhelm, it can be hard to ask for support. 

However, the first step is noticing you need support and telling someone you need help. This could be a few trusted colleagues or loved ones. 

An act of support could be – someone who first helps you think about what help you need!

Here are a few prompts for asking for support – straight from my life!

  • “Sashya, I am juggling a lot right now and feeling stretched. Could you help me one day next week with school pick-up so I can be alone for 30 minutes?”
  • “Rachel, I can’t finish the notes on my upcoming projects. Do you have room in your scope of work to help me with the notes for my upcoming projects in November and December?”
  • “I am hosting a party for our mutual colleague. I am wondering, since you are coming would you have time to pick up banh mi on the way?


Examples

Here are a few examples of support I have asked for and received over the last few years…

  • Childcare pick up
  • Consulting project facilitation
  • Client project thought partnership
  • Project management and mapping out new internal processes
  • Coaching around business development 

Personally, asking for support is vulnerable. I see myself as a caregiver and supporter of others. I see myself as a fixer and problem solver. I do not want to be a burden, and as an only child and a white woman – I am constantly worried I will be seen as self-absorbed! Oh and I love the control that comes with being the one to take care of the project, task and make the decision. 

Perhaps you can relate to a few of those? 

Why is it hard for you to ask for support?

What are ways you have asked for support in the past that have reduced your stress or helped you carry out your vision?



Caveat

I know there are times when our on-the-ground reality is nearly impossible; even with support, it is exhausting and nonstop. There are times when we are living on the edge and in a time of trauma and survival. This is still a time to seek out whatever support you can and, simultaneously, be compassionate toward yourself, offer grace, and acknowledge that your reality is hard right now. Getting support is not guaranteed to end the suffering, yet we were meant to be in community even when life is painful. If this is where you are right now, may you find people who will accompany and walk alongside you.


Resources

Definition of Burnout by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski:
“Burnout” can be defined by three components: 1. emotional exhaustion, 2. depersonalization, and 3. a decreased sense of accomplishment.

Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski on Burnout and How to Complete the Stress Cycle

“Anxiety happens when you think you have to figure out everything all at once. Breathe. You’re strong. You got this. Take it day by day.” – Karen Salmansohn

“If you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit.” – Banksy

Rheanna SmithFinding Strength in Support: Preventing Burnout in Challenging Times
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What to do when your vacation isn’t a vacation

In our leadership membership, Clear Harbor, we are discussing “rest and action for freedom,” which has me thinking about my own relationship with rest (and action), how to build more rest into a busy schedule, and take time off for rest.

Have you had the experience of taking time off from work to go on a vacation (or staying home to vacation) and not being rested at the end of that long weekend or week?

This happens to me more than I would like to admit.
Setting aside the time and resources to take a real break is also work. When that break does not give you time for rest, relaxation, or restoration, it is a letdown.

Here are a few suggestions for what to do when a vacation does not equal rest:

  1. Notice and acknowledge that you did not get rest from a break. 
    Try to be kind to yourself (and others who were with you) as you do this.
    The only way to give yourself what you need is to notice when you don’t have it.

  2. Harness the shift in your perspective. 
    Usually, a break will give you a new perspective on your current life (even if it does not give you rest). This is an opportunity to make a subtle change. 
    What did this time away show you that you could have more or less of in your day-to-day life? 

  3. Add rest in now!
    It is not too late. Take advantage of the change in schedule and routine. 
    Go to bed early. Sneak away from work during a lunch break. 
    What did you crave during your vacation that you did not get? A walk, a book, a moment alone, a celebratory dinner…

    That “longing” tells you something you can do RIGHT NOW in a small moment.

    It may seem indulgent – but you could give yourself a single “sick” day in the next two weeks and “check” a few of your rest desires off your list.

    Does that sound divine and mischievous? YES! Do it!

  4. Evaluate for the next time. 
    What could you do differently before and during your vacation to add rest?
    What boundaries can you set for yourself or with loved ones next time? 
    What did you learn about what vacations give you rest and restoration and which don’t?


Now you know – take one lesson and practice it on your next time off.

I’ve got you if you don’t have any time off and are in go mode right now. Check out my blog post for tips on adding rest when you are busy.


Let me know – have you had a time when a vacation was not a vacation? What did you do to recoup after your non-vacation?

Rheanna SmithWhat to do when your vacation isn’t a vacation
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Excellent leaders never stop working on this one thing

The journey to become a more thoughtful, caring leader does not end at…

  • the newly acquired job or role,
  • the completion of a successful project to change an unhealthy organizational habit, or
  • a team member telling you thank you for being an incredible listener and agent of positive change. 

(Although, dang! Congrats on any of these accomplishments!)

If you are about leadership

  • as an action, art, and practice,
  • are committed to supporting groups of people experiencing accomplishment and enjoyment from the work, and
  • want our communities to be places where all people can live in safety, peace, and even delight…

then your leadership learning never ends. 
At the core of this ongoing journey is your personal awareness.

I work with badass leaders, y’all!

I have the incredible opportunity to sit in coaching and group spaces with thoughtful humans who create systemic change, move money to create more equity and update policies that increase people’s ability to thrive at work.

The most successful, seasoned leaders I work with know they are not done learning.

They look critically and lovingly at their thinking and behaviors. They examine how they show up in space, their impact on other humans, and their relationship patterns.

If you aim to improve a system, enhance a team’s effectiveness, or promote equity in your policies, your personal growth can be the largest catalyst. You can improve culture with just 5-10% of your time and energy directed toward changing your behavior.

This work will be even more effective if you do it from a place of self-compassion, belonging, and graciousness. (Just like the work with your team and community will go further if you do it from a place of self-compassion, belonging, and graciousness.)

You may say –

“Okay, so this all sounds nice, Annie – but I have a gazillion things on my plate.

I oscillate between feeling rushed and frustrated, important conversations, putting out fires, and emails. I already have training and projects I am moving forward with my team. How am I going to fit in more learning and growth?

DANG! It is too much.”

And you are right. It is all too much. 

(You may have to say no to an important project at some point – but that is a different letter.)

But if you knew that pulling one lever – that you DO have control over – would make a lot of the pieces easier (and later on even more enjoyable), would you do it?

Understanding yourself and your impact is one of the most important elements of leadership. At a certain point in people’s leadership journeys, it gets left behind when, in actuality, the work of self-awareness and personal growth needs to increase throughout the journey.

Guess what? 

It is simpler than you think (maybe not easier, but simpler).

Here is a short process and questions to ask yourself:

  1. Find a short way to build more space in your week for a quiet moment that fills your cup.
    (This could be 10 mins A WEEK of exercise, a walk, meditation, writing, listening to music.)

  2. Practice noticing your thoughts, emotions, reactions, and patterns with curiosity and with less judgment, shame, or blaming others. 

    “Emotional Intelligence 2.0” calls this “watching like a hawk. 
    See steps #1, #4  and resources to support this

  3. Ask yourself – how could I continue to improve in my relationships with others?
    (Again, work on examining these improvements without deep judgment or shame.)

  4. Pick one area you want to work on and bring in learning, and then practice first with trusted, caring people in your life.

  5. If you want to go deeper… ask for feedback from others and find outside support to process that feedback. 

    Receive an honest evaluation process. Ask trusted peers for feedback. Take training in an area of growth with homework and practice. 

    And PAIR feedback with ongoing support while you work with the new knowledge—perhaps a therapist, group, or coach.

Up next  – I will share a few of the ways I am digging in and learning as a leader right now.

Resources & continued learning:
Getting Personal: Critical Self-Reflection in Anti-Racism Work
Emotional Intelligence 2.0
Self-compassion
People and Culture trainings

Annie Von EssenExcellent leaders never stop working on this one thing
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What is the simplest and sometimes the most challenging way to show up as a thoughtful, clear, prepared leader?

Know how you (yourself and your organization) make decisions.

And then show everyone you work with and on behalf of who makes which decisions and how you make those decisions.

This is simple. Perhaps it’s so fundamental that it does not need to be mentioned. However, I find this is one of the easiest ways leaders can increase and gain trust, and it is the quickest thing to slide when you get busy or overwhelmed.

There are hundreds of ways to decide. In groups, with one person. With input and many feedback loops, quickly with no contributions. With a vote, a scale, a discussion, or a consensus.

The key is knowing the critical decisions you must make in any role or during a project. Then, get clear on which way you will make the decision and who will do it. Then, communicate that process multiple times to those who are involved.

Think of a project right now… ask yourself, do we know how we are making the final decision? Or the decisions leading up to the final decision? If so, have you clearly communicated that to everyone impacted?

And if you are not the one with deciding power, have you built a relationship with the deciders and asked them questions about the decision-making process?

Bonus points if you can do this from a genuine place of curiosity and partnership, not as a “gotcha moment.”

(Guess what this works in your personal life too!)

Check out below the first decision questions I ask when supporting a project and my top tips for building trust and clarity in your decision-making.

Ask these questions first:

  • Are the people most impacted by the decision a part of making the decision or, at the very least, consulted?
  • Does everyone know the decision-making process, who is involved, how the decision will be made, and who is the final decider?
  • Does the decision-making process match the importance of the decision?

Examples – If you are making a decision that impacts your clients for the next 5 years, are you taking the time to make that decision thoughtfully with feedback and input? If you need to decide on a bathroom tile color, are you using the least time and resources possible?

Shout out to these consultants, whom I’ve learned from and who do an excellent job setting people up with transparent decision-making and thinking about power dynamics – Andrea Paull, Paola Maranan, and Makeba Greene.


My Top Decision-Making Tips

Choose only a handful of ways you will make decisions as individuals and teams and use them repeatedly.
Vet them for a balance of ease of use and inclusion in the process and then replicate that way of deciding across the business or organization.

Take in and listen to different perspectives.
You will be a better leader and make stronger decisions if you listen to diverse perspectives.

Clearly define the problem and possible solutions.
Know what you are deciding and why.  Ideally, state the problem in the form of a question and look for multiple solutions.

Slow down before you make a significant decision.
Encourage your team to have time to breathe, pause, and think before making a major decision. Even if it is an emergency, you can usually afford 5 minutes and a phone call to someone else before you make the final call.

Name the power you and others hold. Get used to naming when you are deciding.
Your co-workers, employees, and clients should know you are making the decision even without input. It builds trust and clarity when you give honest answers about how a decision is made.

(Do I think you should give up some of your decision-making power? Yes, I do. There are many thoughtful ways to share power and gain creativity in decision-making.)

Be clear about when and how you will use input in your decision-making.
Name when and how feedback will be used in your decision. Come back to anyone you asked for input and name how you used it in your decision, including why you did not follow advice. Clarify when you are not asking for input and why.

Coach and support your team to know different ways to make decisions and use a few tools everyone is trained on for making decisions.
Give your team the tools you are using. Have managers share their strategies for decision-making and take through their decision-making processes and reasoning. The more you prepare everyone to make thoughtful, aware, value-aligned decisions, the stronger your organization is.

Do you want to know the other vital processes essential to making teamwork work?
Check out this post!

P.S. Guess what?

Inside Clear Harbor in the fall, we will lead a 5-part series on how to set up a solid set of decision-making processes and deal with sticky, complex decision-making. Be on the lookout for when our doors to the community open in the fall!

Rheanna SmithWhat is the simplest and sometimes the most challenging way to show up as a thoughtful, clear, prepared leader?
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There’s a difference between rest and reflection. Spoiler alert: You need both.

“Being a leader is not about production; it’s about being there for the people I lead, support, and serve. And I need to prepare myself to be a decent human being so that
I can be there for others and be approachable.”
– Andrew, Clear Harbor member

I have to exist as a human to show up at work. And when I show up as a cog and a machine, I feel the least fulfilled in my life.”
– Shannon, Clear Harbor member

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had many conversations about rest and reflection. We talked about why it’s important and how to fit it into our busy lives. The two quotes I shared above were from those conversations and examples of why we must find time to rest and reflect individually and in groups if we want to show up as leaders in our lives. 

Rest can happen when you reflect, but rest is not always reflection time. Sometimes the reflection piece gets left behind. We hear a lot about self-care and well-being on the topic of rest. But often, reflection is missing.

Leaders, in particular, need both rest and reflection to:

  • keep going,
  • keep leading, 
  • stay in their role (and lane), 
  • not burn out,  
  • make decisions, and 
  • recognize that pauses are necessary. 

Leaders need built-in time to reflect on themselves. The results? You avoid bringing knee-jerk reactions and your own bias to your team. We must reflect internally first before we can show up and lead a reflection with others. Reflection can bring you back to your why and passion and help you feel human. Time for reflection for yourself and then in groups is a critical tool for building a more equitable and inclusive workplace.

“Your goal is not to stick to a given schedule at all costs; it’s instead to maintain, at all times,
a thoughtful say in what you’re doing with your time.”
– Cal Newport, Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World

Most times, teams will retrospect at the end of a project by looking at how things went, what worked, what didn’t work, and what can be improved. But you can do this at any time as a team! Build those moments into groups in the arc of the process with reflection points to pause and observe. 

I build rest and reflection into meetings – we stop, take a breath, take a break, and look away from the screens and each other. We write on our own before we share in the group. These practices are critical when building your team and group processes. 

At times, I work with teams after they’ve missed opportunities to reflect – on the big picture or on cultural dynamics. They always had lots of work to complete but little time to reflect. The good news? It’s never too late to change this. We can find time to reflect. 

You CAN build in time to reflect starting now to avoid big crises and conflicts in the future. When you practice slowing down and reflecting now, you will remember how to do it in the middle of stressful moments and not leap into fast decision-making based on assumptions and stories. When we slow down and recognize our own biases, we change how we do things. That’s one step toward making our work more equitable and inclusive. 

This is one reason I created Clear Harbor for leaders – more here if you’re intrigued.
Clear Harbor is a built-in time for groups of people to reflect outside of the day-to-day pressures to respond.
It’s a commitment on your calendar to other people.
It’s a space to step back and reflect with a more significant viewpoint.

We not only show you it’s possible to build this into your workday, but we show you how.  

I promised you a list of ways to build in time for rest and reflection. You can grab the list here. Remember, this isn’t MY list. These thoughts and ideas are from friends, clients, colleagues, and maybe even from you. Browse the list and see if anything sparks your interest. Try a few of the ideas yourself.

How can you build reflection into your day?

Rheanna SmithThere’s a difference between rest and reflection. Spoiler alert: You need both.
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How do we stay awake?

A while ago, I was on a call with Milagros Phillips that continues to reverberate in my body. (I have mentioned her work before – check out her work here.) Milagros was commenting on how different the calls she is leading about racial healing are at the end of 2021 compared to a year ago. A year ago, her zoom calls were packed. Each conversation had multiple screens of black, brown, and white faces, all tuning in to listen, learn, and talk about race and racism in the USA and our world. 

The call I tuned in to at the end of September (in response to the violence against Haitian refugees at the border) was a single screen of faces.  

Milagros Phillips said, “We must remain awake.”  

She reminded us that the most significant social change will come when a large group of us stays awake, continuing to recognize what is wrong and unjust in the world, and then speaks about it and takes action to increase justice. 

At the beginning of this new year – that perhaps does not feel so new.
I offer this as a reminder for all of us – to remain awake.  

I am not suggesting this from a place of punishment or to call any of us out.  

Instead, as you read this, see how you can ask yourself with kindness, “How am I remaining awake to the issues in our world that I want to improve?” 

How do we stay awake in the fight against racism? How do we stay awake in response to climate change? How do we stay awake in support of LGBTQ+ rights? How do we stay awake in support of our team’s and our community’s mental health and well-being?  How do we stay awake in support of workplace rights?  

Add your own question here: How do I stay awake… ? 

We need to remain awake to build a loving and just world.  

What does this mean – “to stay awake”?  

For me, it means that I do not shut out the real stories and experiences of people and the natural world. I hear them, and I listen, and I get curious. I let myself feel emotions.  

And when I can, I name what I am seeing. I talk about it with others.  

And I act by – changing my behavior, talking with others, voting, changing policies, organizing, building a different kind of business, donating money, volunteering. 

But if I am honest with you. I get tired. The days here are short, and the rain (and snow) is setting in. 

The news continues to show stories of systems built explicitly to cut groups off from their rights and humans carrying out acts of horror against other humans from a place of rage or numbness.  

We have been in a pandemic for almost two years. I, and countless others, have had people they love dearly die.

People are drudging through their days. Families are still caring for small children while working.  

How do you remain awake when you are tired? 

Perhaps you are very awake.  

Perhaps you live within identities and communities where you are reminded of injustices often. Maybe you were born with a heart and fire that does not let you stop seeing, naming, and acting to create an equitable world. 

And if this is you, perhaps you still find yourself in the quiet moments, tired. 

How do you rest while not falling into a state of numbness? 

I do not have all these answers. 
I am continuing to ask myself these questions. 

Honestly, my first step is still to remind myself that staying awake is essential for us as humans to build a more loving and just world. I am grateful to Milagros Phillips for her fervent reminder – we must find ways to stay awake. 
 

For me, I need to find ways to stay awake that are not dogmatic and perfectionistic. I have tried ways of staying in change-making work over the years bound by rigid rules, and I find myself becoming judgmental, burning bridges, and then burning out. However, if I become too gentle and focused on self-acceptance without fire and push, I slide back into a state of “self-care” that indulges my whiteness and other privileged positions. I need a balance of commitment, accountability, and care for my own well-being. 

Here are a few tools that are supporting me to stay awake and support more love and justice: 

  • Time alone to feel emotions and reflect (walks alone, meditation, movement) 
  • Being mindful of what I listen to and what information I take in (listening to diverse experiences in my podcasts, reading and listening to sources of news that fact check & give multiple perspectives) 
  • Bringing up what I am seeing and noticing and feeling in conversations 
  • Asking questions about what others see, know, and feel in conversations, and then trying to listen
  • Make my learnings and the change I want in the world reflected in the daily work I do (how I facilitate, whom I work with, how I build out projects) 
  • Connect and reconnect with the relationships in my life that are not insular (i.e., humans outside of my direct community, diverse because of parental status, profession, race, ethnicity, home country, etc.)
  • Take action with my feet, with my money, with my vote, with my voice, with the power and privileges I do have. (Here is a list of actions around racial justice.) 
  • Practice rest and reflection that brings rejuvenation, and not numbing (for me, this is dance, walking, books, baths. Here is a list you can draw on.  

Most importantly, I recognize when I am numbing out and disconnecting from the injustices and calls of the world and of my friends, family, and work team. And invite me back into the human family. I remind myself that I am strong enough to listen to the stories of loved ones and strangers who are experiencing suffering. I remind myself that I can act to be a part of the solution. And I am not alone, I am connected to imaginative, creative human beings fighting for a more just, loving world. 

I am glad to be with you, a fellow creative human working toward a more caring, just world. 

How are you caring for yourself when you are tired? 

How are you remaining awake? 


Resources to “stay awake” (also take care & rest):

Rheanna SmithHow do we stay awake?
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Why I love meetings and how you can too

Meetings… there were already so many dreaded meetings. And now most of us are still doing meetings online with glitchy internet looking at little screens scrambling for a background that hides the messy dishes. (Just noticing do all my notes include dirty dishes… yes there are a lot of dirty dishes in my life!)

Guess what – I am one of those weird people who likes meetings!
I know, I know… it’s true. I built a whole business around being in meetings (small and even very large). And often it is with people I don’t know well. People who are trying to make a plan for the future of their work together.

And I love it!

Can I tell you why I love it?
(The secret can also help you enjoy a few more meetings.)

I love meetings because I get to learn more about other people and connect to their stories while moving forward critical, purpose-driven work.

These are my favorite things – being with people and moving a plan forward!

Good meetings do these two things almost always…

  1. Connect people – relationships are built, and people come away understanding other people’s stories and perspectives more than before.
  2. Move forward purpose-driven action – decisions are made, ideas are discussed, and people come away with meaningful tasks that move the whole group toward their purpose.

Double-check the meetings you are a part of. 
Do your meetings connect people and move forward action items?


Or do you have meetings that are:

  • just a download of someone’s agenda or priorities.
  • all about those next steps and action without any opportunity to build teamwork & relationship.
  • meandering and unclear.

Think through these two questions when planning the next meeting:

Is there 10-15 minutes for human connection?

Is there space to discuss, make decisions, and clearly set up next steps?

Want more on how to support your teams and move them toward action and connection? Let’s talk!

Rheanna SmithWhy I love meetings and how you can too
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How I am preparing before we open back up (it might not be what you expect)

Here, in the Pacific Northwest, flowers are beginning to peek up out of the ground. The days are getting longer. A smattering of them have been without rain. Which means there are less mud puddles. That means a lot less loads of wash for me to run. 🙂

Thankfully, some of my family have managed to get their Covid shots. In most places, infection rates are reducing as opposed to rising. 

I find myself thinking… perhaps I should be feeling more relief. More hope. 

Yet, I find myself sitting with a strange mix of emotions these last weeks. Here are the words that come to mind as I try to name them: exhaustion, wariness, nostalgia, sadness, hope, gratefulness, and grief. As we face the prospect of returning to gather in person, my hope and relief is mixed with powerful reminders of what family, friends and community have had to endure this past year – the loss of time spent together, the loss of jobs and security, the loss of loved ones. 

That’s when I begin to notice my posture of “just put your head down, Annie, get through it, push on.” This is not the first time in my life I’ve used this survival technique. It works. For a short time. But it takes a toll when I do it for long enough. 

You see, in order for me to “push through” I must also actively avoid feeling my own emotions – both negative and positive. That includes empathy, grief, tenderness, and gratefulness. This year provided me with moment-to-moment opportunities to both experience and avoid my feelings. Because of the intense magnifying glass our lives have been under this last year – I am noticing the moments I’ve avoided my feelings in order to simply “push through”.

The key for me moving towards hope and accessing my ability to open myself back up to people and public space, is to move myself from a posture of avoidance into a position of allowing myself to experience my own feelings. I am doing this now… ever so gently.

Here is how I am opening myself up to the feeling of hope and the learnings of the last year:

I am focusing especially on my feelings of grief and gratitude.

I am noticing in a specific way. It’s a technique coming out of mindfulness and Buddhism. 

I try to be aware of any feelings I may be experiencing in the moment. Then, I see if I can slow down and acknowledge the feeling, whatever it may be. It goes something like this:

“Hello there, sadness.” 
and 
“Whew, here it comes again… I’m missing someone…” 
and 
“Wow, I am so grateful for…”

I say to myself or (if appropriate) to those around me, just what it is that I am feeling.  I offer appreciations out loud when I am experiencing gratitude. 

I try to offer some variation of Valerie Kaur’s offering around grief if I am grieving with or because of something someone else is experiencing, “You are grieving, but you are not grieving alone. I am here with you.”

I let the feeling remain with me. Till the next one comes.

Then, I am practicing being quiet and present in the moment. (You know me – this is taking a lot of practice!)

This is not new information. It is centuries old and across traditions. However, there is a reason we continue to strive to learn it – it is hard work & it is life changing.

Here is what happens when I allow myself to notice & experience my emotions, especially grief and gratitude:

  • I experience more love and connection in my life, and less resentment.
  • I give love and acknowledgement to those I am with, allowing them the opportunity to feel loved and appreciated.
  • I can stay in the present moment, which reduces worry, anxiety, and fear of the future,
  • I feel human and notice the humanity in others.
  • When I notice gratitude – it expands and unearths more appreciation. Gratitude and appreciation can coexist with pain and grief.
  • I move through the emotions so that unexpected emotions are less likely to surface later, which reduces the harm I enact on myself and others.

It can be hard. 

I am still head down, barrel through at times. And that is okay.

However, the more I drop into my emotions and the lessons they point to, the more prepared I am to keep showing up as a human being.

As I practice feeling more, I process more of the incredible lessons and hard moments of the last few years. As I sit with the grief and the gratitude, I find myself learning how to be a better friend, partner, and teammate. I recognize that I have more capacity than I imagined. 

And that gives me hope.

What are you feeling right now?
What emotions are you paying attention to? 
What are they teaching you?

May we allow each other the space to feel as we enter a new time of transition.

Feelings and emotions too overwhelming right now? Here is a place to go for support: NAMI Hotline

Want more resources to support feeling your emotions, supporting others in their grief, and practicing gratitude? 

Here are a few offers:

See no stranger, Valarie Kaur, The People’s Inauguration  and other learnings
A guide to transition from winter to spring, Kirin Bhatti
Lama Rod Owens – Acknowledging emotions meditation
Tara Brach – Pause for Presence
Untamed, Glennon Doyle
Emotional Agility, Susan David

Need examples? Here is what this looks like in real-time:

Grief

  • I am feeling grief for the lost time with people I love.
  • It hits me in a pang in my chest.
  • I sit with it and I say to myself, “Whew there is that feeling of missing and loss.”
  • I send a message or call when I can to tell the person I miss that I love them.

Gratitude

  • There is always more to do in our house, with our child, in my work. It is easy to get bogged down.
  • I am practicing noticing when my family is actively working on supporting someone else in the house or helping with a household task (which is actually very often).
  • I try and see it in the moment or shortly after and let them know I am grateful for what they are doing and/or I am grateful for them.

Grief

  • I am feeling grief for the people I care about who have lost loved ones to Covid.
  • I am feeling grief when I hear stories of people who have lost loved ones, including their children because of hatred and violence.
  • I offer my love and feeling of grief in the form of a mediation. 
  • When I can I drop into the moment with the person or the story and practice listening not solving.
  • I look for actions I can take afterward, in response to the grief – learning more about the story, taking a direct action, and supporting a person or organization.
  • For individuals in my life I am grieving with, I look for simple ways I can show up in support (and ask them first).

Gratitude

  • I notice when my heart is welling up with tenderness. It can be when I watch Lino and Rob dance in the living room or play cars. It can be when Lino is creating a hilarious made-up scenario or when Rob or his sister Lisa is preparing a warm meal.
  • When I feel the tenderness rise up, I notice it if I can.
  • I set down what I was doing just for the moment and take a mental polaroid.
  • I say to myself “THIS” and I say to myself or out loud, “I see you, I appreciate you”


What are the ways you acknowledge grief and loss?
What are the ways you offer appreciation?


I’ve created a guide to help you move forward during this time. Grab the guide here.

Rheanna SmithHow I am preparing before we open back up (it might not be what you expect)
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Make a big change in your career and life

In the past few weeks, I offered up steps to take in preparation for a life transition and what you can do to create a shift without making the immediate big change.

Now I am sharing a process that sets you up to make a big life or career transition.

There are two ways to use these tools:

  1. Try out these steps when you know you are ready to implement a change in your life and you feel, “this is it! Now is the time!”
  2. Use any of these tools to move you closer to the change you want in your life or career sometime in the future. Hint – these processes work at ANY TIME to give you more clarity and alignment in your life!


If this moment in our history has awakened something inside you, igniting your creativity and a new direction, and you are ready for a change – use these tools to begin decisive action.

If this time of challenge has provided you or your family with clarity that what is currently occurring cannot continue in the same way – use these tools to walk toward a more sustainable future.

And if you are currently working hard to manage each moment in front of you, using your energy to tend to your well-being and your family’s well-being, and cannot possibly think of or talk about a change right now – you are not alone!

You can try only one of the first steps to gently lay the groundwork for the possibilities of what you want to come in a year or two. (Or come back to this process when you are ready.)

Here is the guide that includes these tools, plus the previous processes offered for building towards a transition in your life.

May you be well as you move toward change or stead yourself right where you are.

Rheanna SmithMake a big change in your career and life
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Shift your current situation while staying put.

Something needs to change. You can feel it in your muscles or hear it from a quiet, determined voice inside. Perhaps it is a small change whispering to do it differently. Maybe you know something big needs to shift and are feeling antsy and excited.

But what if you cannot make the change right now? Or the way forward isn’t clear?

Focus on what is in front of you and in your control. You can always make subtle changes in your environment and in your own response.
Watch this video for actions you can take now to shift your current situation before you make a bigger change.


You do not have to leap all at once. Little shifts in your current environment can lead to new openings and perspectives. 

(Missed part one, check it out here – 4 steps to begin a transition.)

Need to see this all in writing? Download the accompanying guide!

Getting ready for a transition and not wanting to do it alone? 

In a leadership position striving for positive community change and in support of justice for black and brown people?

I am starting a special edition Clear Harbor cohort specifically focused on leaders who are contemplating a career or life transition. There are only 3 spots left!

Let’s talk!  Plus more info.

Rheanna SmithShift your current situation while staying put.
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