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Finding Strength in Support: Preventing Burnout in Challenging Times

September 24, 2024

It’s the end of a quarter and the end of a season. I am feeling both a wind-up toward the end of the year (and yes the election in the US) and a wind-down into what can and cannot fit into this calendar year’s time.

Lately, I have been working with a few clients, making big things happen in their worlds and organizations or businesses. People are activating new visions and directions, trying out new ways of working in their teams, updating their entire structure, or growing teams and budgets to double the year before.

We are experiencing major transitions and are preparing—this time with a little more awareness—for the possibility of even greater transitions.

I feel it.
Do you feel it?

If you feel the rapidness of transitions and changes on the horizon, the rest of this post is for you (even if you aren’t in a big transformation or high-stress moment).

With all the changes happening, many of the folks I work with are pushing harder than before. They are working to move big ideas into action—fast. They need to show up for many disparate team members to support their emotions through the transitions.

When we push fast, go at a nonstop pace, and feel like a lot of human well-being is at stake, it can lead to overwhelm, nonstop stress, and, if we don’t slow down… burnout.

I am worried that burnout is right around the corner for many of us.

So I wanted to offer an anecdote to burnout that may be different than you are thinking about…

YES to avoid burnout…
↘ find short breaks and pauses,
↘ connect with other passions and identities outside where you spend most of your time,
↘ take longer breaks, and reduce what you are “doing.”

(Okay – sorry – if even reading that is stressful… and you are like, “HOW ANNIE!” Keep reading because the following is a first STEP before you even take a short break.)

What is the number one way to avoid burnout?

Get help.

Getting support is one of the best ways to avoid burnout and reduce the stress of rapid changes and future instabilities.

The belief that leads to burnout

What leads to burnout and overwhelm is the belief (and the action that follows that belief) that we have to be the ones to do it all and get it all done. And even be the ones to carry out the ideal version of our vision for the future.

You may also be inside a culture (country, institution, family) that feeds the belief that it is all on you.

You alone must complete the project, see the vision through, and do it well with little support. If you ask for help, “you are fill in the blank (weak, incompetent, inadequate, powerless).”

When you go it alone this leads to exhaustion and, inevitably, burnout.

(See a definition of burnout in the resources.)

Types of support

At least three kinds of help can pull you back from the edge and bring you back to yourself and life’s natural ebb and flow.

Types of support that reduce stress during challenge and change:

Listening and accompaniment
Offering resources, advice, expertise
Taking on some of the workload

Ideally, you stack ALL of these types of support in times of stress.

Asking for support

At times of overwhelm, it can be hard to ask for support.

However, the first step is noticing you need support and telling someone you need help. This could be a few trusted colleagues or loved ones.

An act of support could be – someone who first helps you think about what help you need!

Here are a few prompts for asking for support – straight from my life!

“Sashya, I am juggling a lot right now and feeling stretched. Could you help me one day next week with school pick-up so I can be alone for 30 minutes?”
“Rachel, I can’t finish the notes on my upcoming projects. Do you have room in your scope of work to help me with the notes for my upcoming projects in November and December?”
“I am hosting a party for our mutual colleague. I am wondering, since you are coming would you have time to pick up banh mi on the way?

Examples

Here are a few examples of support I have asked for and received over the last few years…

Childcare pick up
Consulting project facilitation
Client project thought partnership
Project management and mapping out new internal processes
Coaching around business development

Personally, asking for support is vulnerable. I see myself as a caregiver and supporter of others. I see myself as a fixer and problem solver. I do not want to be a burden, and as an only child and a white woman – I am constantly worried I will be seen as self-absorbed! Oh and I love the control that comes with being the one to take care of the project, task and make the decision.

Perhaps you can relate to a few of those?

Why is it hard for you to ask for support?

What are ways you have asked for support in the past that have reduced your stress or helped you carry out your vision?

Caveat

I know there are times when our on-the-ground reality is nearly impossible; even with support, it is exhausting and nonstop. There are times when we are living on the edge and in a time of trauma and survival. This is still a time to seek out whatever support you can and, simultaneously, be compassionate toward yourself, offer grace, and acknowledge that your reality is hard right now. Getting support is not guaranteed to end the suffering, yet we were meant to be in community even when life is painful. If this is where you are right now, may you find people who will accompany and walk alongside you.

Resources

Definition of Burnout by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski:
“Burnout” can be defined by three components: 1. emotional exhaustion, 2. depersonalization, and 3. a decreased sense of accomplishment.

Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski on Burnout and How to Complete the Stress Cycle

“Anxiety happens when you think you have to figure out everything all at once. Breathe. You’re strong. You got this. Take it day by day.” – Karen Salmansohn
“If you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit.” – Banksy

What to do when your vacation isn’t a vacation

August 21, 2024

In our leadership membership, Clear Harbor, we are discussing “rest and action for freedom,” which has me thinking about my own relationship with rest (and action), how to build more rest into a busy schedule, and take time off for rest.

Have you had the experience of taking time off from work to go on a vacation (or staying home to vacation) and not being rested at the end of that long weekend or week?

This happens to me more than I would like to admit.
Setting aside the time and resources to take a real break is also work. When that break does not give you time for rest, relaxation, or restoration, it is a letdown.

Here are a few suggestions for what to do when a vacation does not equal rest:

Notice and acknowledge that you did not get rest from a break.
Try to be kind to yourself (and others who were with you) as you do this.
The only way to give yourself what you need is to notice when you don’t have it.
Harness the shift in your perspective.
Usually, a break will give you a new perspective on your current life (even if it does not give you rest). This is an opportunity to make a subtle change.
What did this time away show you that you could have more or less of in your day-to-day life?
Add rest in now!
It is not too late. Take advantage of the change in schedule and routine.
Go to bed early. Sneak away from work during a lunch break.
What did you crave during your vacation that you did not get? A walk, a book, a moment alone, a celebratory dinner…

That “longing” tells you something you can do RIGHT NOW in a small moment.

It may seem indulgent – but you could give yourself a single “sick” day in the next two weeks and “check” a few of your rest desires off your list.

Does that sound divine and mischievous? YES! Do it!
Evaluate for the next time.
What could you do differently before and during your vacation to add rest?
What boundaries can you set for yourself or with loved ones next time?
What did you learn about what vacations give you rest and restoration and which don’t?

Now you know – take one lesson and practice it on your next time off.

I’ve got you if you don’t have any time off and are in go mode right now. Check out my blog post for tips on adding rest when you are busy.

Let me know – have you had a time when a vacation was not a vacation? What did you do to recoup after your non-vacation?

…

Simple tips to add rest into a busy summer schedule

July 22, 2024

It is summer in the Pacific Northwest, and as I have shared, for many people, summer is supposed to be a time of rest and relaxation. However, the Pacific Northwest’s culture, and especially the Seattle area, is one of sun and outdoor scarcity.

Many of us feel we have a finite amount of time to be outside doing dozens of activities with all the people we love. And most of us are still working and caring for others, too.

Ironically, this equals more pressure to “enjoy and relax” with more things to do and even accomplish.

It can be a mind-bending experience.
I am first trying to deal with this by being honest with myself.
I want to do “all the things” this summer and fit it all in. At the same time, my professional work does not slow down, and family caretaking and coordination increase.

This particular summer, my partner Roberto and I have agreed that we need to have less stress and more regulated nervous systems. This is a requirement for a few things we are navigating with our family this season.

So how do you do this… reduce stress, increase rest and regulation when the pressure is on to get it ALL DONE, and have a great dang time doing it?

I want to share ways to rest inside of a busy time.

But first, what is “rest?”
Here are a few definitions to help you determine whether you are resting…

“A period of time in which you relax, do not do anything active, or sleep.” – Cambridge Dictionary

“To rest means to relax into something and let it support you.”
“To take a short break from one’s activities in order to relax.” – Vocabulary.com

Okay—now we are reminded that resting is not about doing more; it is, if possible, about relaxing and maybe even sleeping!

Here are my tips and tricks for building in more rest:

Recognize the Pockets
Look for the little pockets already in your life and schedule where you can rest.
Notice them and lean back into them.

When are things slower and quieter?
When is there a natural pause between one activity and the next?
When is there a moment of waiting? In a line? A doctor’s office? A train?

Take those little pockets and let them be rest moments. You take a breath. You sit quietly. You stand for a moment and notice your feet.

When you notice the pull to take out your phone you can say to yourself – “ah I am giving myself a little rest.”

Retreat
Get up, walk away from the table, desk, or computer, and find a few moments of rest.

Lay down on the couch and set a timer for 10-15 minutes.
Take your coffee outside and sit on a front step without your screen or device.
Turn toward a window, watch things around you, or notice a plant or animal.

Replace
Replace the scrolling with seeing what your body needs.
Replace the “doing one more thing” with pausing and breathing.
Replace the screen with a little sleep.
Replace the taking a picture with being present to what you see.

You get the point. 😉

Reduce
Okay, this one is annoying!
You may be like…. ”Annie, you said rest inside of a busy time!”

Y’all, honestly, the only way to get more rest is to do less.

This is so basic and yet hard to do that it is obnoxious, but most of us don’t stop DOING, and we are TIRED.

If you want more time to feel good in your body and be less grumpy with those you love… you have to reduce the number of things you take on.

Now different people (and times in life) require different activity levels.
You know you. You can probably determine whether you need to reduce a few things.

The basics of this skill are:
1. Take something you feel you “should do” but don’t need to do.
2. Stop doing it.
3. Say, “I am not available.” Say, “Oh, I wish I could, but I’ve overcommitted myself.”

This is my hardest one AND the one that gains me the most rest.
The trick is to NOT put more “doing” in the place of the thing you reduced.
Instead, REST FIRST – start with lying down on the floor!

A note:
Adding more rest when the pressure is on can be difficult.
In the long term, to avoid burnout, your body and mind need longer, sustained periods of rest and ongoing rest practices. I will share a few additional ways to increase rest in the coming months.

The go-to resource for Rest & Liberation – Tricia Hersey:

A fabulous teacher and resource for rest is Tricia Hersey & The Nap Ministry

“Rest is a form of resistance because it pushes back and disrupts white supremacy and capitalism.
Our bodies are a site of liberation. And that brings into the somatics the idea that wherever our bodies are, we can find rest.”

– Rest as Resistance Tenets #1 & #2, Tricia Hersey

Tricia Hersey on NPR

Tricia Hersey’s book – Rest is Resistance: a Manifesto

The Nap Ministry’s Rest Deck

How to strengthen your leadership

June 1, 2024

Last month, I shared “the one thing excellent leaders never stop working” – check it out here. This one thing will allow you to build caring relationships at work and stay aligned with your values while you create system change. Doing it well can reduce burnout and allow you to be a leader who supports equitable change in the world.

Haven’t read the last post yet? Here is what excellent leaders always foster – self-awareness.

Self-awareness as a leadership practice includes:

Learning how you show up in different situations and scenarios,
Knowing what you need to be clear and kind,
Clarifying your values and goals,
Recognizing your strengths and weaknesses,
Understanding how your different identities interact with systems and structures and affect you and your colleagues and
Acknowledging your personality, strengths, and weaknesses impact your work and colleagues.

If you continually reflect on this list, I am sure you are a thoughtful leader.
This is an ongoing learning.

As promised, I want to share a pattern I noticed in my self-awareness exploration. I hope this can serve as an example of what behaviors and patterns to look for when you want to improve your leadership practice through self-understanding.

Here is a pattern I am working on in my leadership, business, (and definitely –) family life:

When I am not paying attention, I tend to oscillate between –

“going full speed ahead with high personal expectations”
This looks like – saying yes to everything, wanting to support everyone, holding myself to unrealistic standards, not asking for support, or delegating.
“crawling into a little ball and being completely unavailable”
This looks like – needing to take a Saturday completely to myself, under the covers with Netflix and food in bed, not responding to personal communications, deciding not to schedule doctor appointments, etc., because it is “too much.”

Don’t worry, y’all! I have been working with this one for a while now, so there’s no need to check up on me. I’ve got this. I also know this is a normal nervous system response to running in overdrive and going into a freeze pattern. I continue working on finding a balance and finding fewer extremes in my pendulation between the two.

How does this very personal pattern impact my leadership?

I can be experienced as controlling or absent. My care and intense response can diminish people’s agency in their learning and personal change work.

All of our internal “mechanics of being” – impact our leadership.

Here are overarching steps I use to allow self-awareness to create behavior change that improves my life and relationships.

Here is the self-awareness to action cycle in broad stokes:

Seek out self-discovery and personal learning

I look for opportunities to see who I am and how I can improve. I do ongoing work to regulate my heightened emotions and improve my ability to receive feedback, allowing me to learn more about myself.
Offer compassion and forgiveness

I work to increase self-compassion so I do not attack or freeze when I learn how I show up, my behaviors, or how I am perceived. The kinder I am in my head, the more I can take in self-awareness moments and turn them into action. I work on forgiving myself for the ways I fall short.
Reflect and deepen the learning

I seek out further learning about the patterns I notice or receive feedback on.
(For example, I took my colleague Molly Caro Mae’s course and worked on my behavior pattern, which oscillates between “hide away” and “do it all.” Her course is excellent, by the way!)
Find Support

Yes, here it is again – get support. I often get support from friends and teachers.

We cannot do change work alone. We need each other. Find friends, colleagues, communities, coaches, therapists, somatic practitioners, or teachers.
Practice & Apply

Find doable, micro ways to practice. After a time of practicing in less visible ways, apply your learning to how you show up in real-life scenarios.

Rinse and repeat.

Personal behavior change is possible.
We know this through the learnings of neuroscience, habit science, somatics, and psychology.
We can change how we show up for ourselves and others – but first, we must notice.
Noticing is always the first step.

What is something you have been noticing?

What behaviors and patterns are you working on in your leadership?

P.S. We created Clear Harbor as a support community for just these people – leaders who want to be more self-aware and reflective. If you want a brave, warm, and caring place to grow as a leader, join us.

Excellent leaders never stop working on this one thing

April 17, 2024

The journey to become a more thoughtful, caring leader does not end at…

the newly acquired job or role,
the completion of a successful project to change an unhealthy organizational habit, or
a team member telling you thank you for being an incredible listener and agent of positive change.

(Although, dang! Congrats on any of these accomplishments!)

If you are about leadership

as an action, art, and practice,
are committed to supporting groups of people experiencing accomplishment and enjoyment from the work, and
want our communities to be places where all people can live in safety, peace, and even delight…

then your leadership learning never ends.
At the core of this ongoing journey is your personal awareness.

I work with badass leaders, y’all!

I have the incredible opportunity to sit in coaching and group spaces with thoughtful humans who create systemic change, move money to create more equity and update policies that increase people’s ability to thrive at work.

The most successful, seasoned leaders I work with know they are not done learning.

They look critically and lovingly at their thinking and behaviors. They examine how they show up in space, their impact on other humans, and their relationship patterns.

If you aim to improve a system, enhance a team’s effectiveness, or promote equity in your policies, your personal growth can be the largest catalyst. You can improve culture with just 5-10% of your time and energy directed toward changing your behavior.

This work will be even more effective if you do it from a place of self-compassion, belonging, and graciousness. (Just like the work with your team and community will go further if you do it from a place of self-compassion, belonging, and graciousness.)

You may say –

“Okay, so this all sounds nice, Annie – but I have a gazillion things on my plate.

I oscillate between feeling rushed and frustrated, important conversations, putting out fires, and emails. I already have training and projects I am moving forward with my team. How am I going to fit in more learning and growth?
DANG! It is too much.”

And you are right. It is all too much.
(You may have to say no to an important project at some point – but that is a different letter.)

But if you knew that pulling one lever – that you DO have control over – would make a lot of the pieces easier (and later on even more enjoyable), would you do it?

Understanding yourself and your impact is one of the most important elements of leadership. At a certain point in people’s leadership journeys, it gets left behind when, in actuality, the work of self-awareness and personal growth needs to increase throughout the journey.

Guess what?

It is simpler than you think (maybe not easier, but simpler).

Here is a short process and questions to ask yourself:

Find a short way to build more space in your week for a quiet moment that fills your cup.
(This could be 10 mins A WEEK of exercise, a walk, meditation, writing, listening to music.)
Practice noticing your thoughts, emotions, reactions, and patterns with curiosity and with less judgment, shame, or blaming others.

“Emotional Intelligence 2.0” calls this “watching like a hawk.
See steps #1, #4 and resources to support this
Ask yourself – how could I continue to improve in my relationships with others?
(Again, work on examining these improvements without deep judgment or shame.)
Pick one area you want to work on and bring in learning, and then practice first with trusted, caring people in your life.
If you want to go deeper… ask for feedback from others and find outside support to process that feedback.

Receive an honest evaluation process. Ask trusted peers for feedback. Take training in an area of growth with homework and practice.

And PAIR feedback with ongoing support while you work with the new knowledge—perhaps a therapist, group, or coach.

Up next – I will share a few of the ways I am digging in and learning as a leader right now.

Resources & continued learning:
Getting Personal: Critical Self-Reflection in Anti-Racism Work
Emotional Intelligence 2.0
Self-compassion
People and Culture trainings

What is the simplest and sometimes the most challenging way to show up as a thoughtful, clear, prepared leader?

September 5, 2023

Know how you (yourself and your organization) make decisions.

And then show everyone you work with and on behalf of who makes which decisions and how you make those decisions.

This is simple. Perhaps it’s so fundamental that it does not need to be mentioned. However, I find this is one of the easiest ways leaders can increase and gain trust, and it is the quickest thing to slide when you get busy or overwhelmed.

There are hundreds of ways to decide. In groups, with one person. With input and many feedback loops, quickly with no contributions. With a vote, a scale, a discussion, or a consensus.

The key is knowing the critical decisions you must make in any role or during a project. Then, get clear on which way you will make the decision and who will do it. Then, communicate that process multiple times to those who are involved.

Think of a project right now… ask yourself, do we know how we are making the final decision? Or the decisions leading up to the final decision? If so, have you clearly communicated that to everyone impacted?

And if you are not the one with deciding power, have you built a relationship with the deciders and asked them questions about the decision-making process?

Bonus points if you can do this from a genuine place of curiosity and partnership, not as a “gotcha moment.”

(Guess what this works in your personal life too!)

Check out below the first decision questions I ask when supporting a project and my top tips for building trust and clarity in your decision-making.

Ask these questions first:

Are the people most impacted by the decision a part of making the decision or, at the very least, consulted?

Does everyone know the decision-making process, who is involved, how the decision will be made, and who is the final decider?

Does the decision-making process match the importance of the decision?

Examples – If you are making a decision that impacts your clients for the next 5 years, are you taking the time to make that decision thoughtfully with feedback and input? If you need to decide on a bathroom tile color, are you using the least time and resources possible?

Shout out to these consultants, whom I’ve learned from and who do an excellent job setting people up with transparent decision-making and thinking about power dynamics – Andrea Paull, Paola Maranan, and Makeba Greene.

My Top Decision-Making Tips

Choose only a handful of ways you will make decisions as individuals and teams and use them repeatedly.
Vet them for a balance of ease of use and inclusion in the process and then replicate that way of deciding across the business or organization.

Take in and listen to different perspectives.
You will be a better leader and make stronger decisions if you listen to diverse perspectives.

Clearly define the problem and possible solutions.
Know what you are deciding and why. Ideally, state the problem in the form of a question and look for multiple solutions.

Slow down before you make a significant decision.
Encourage your team to have time to breathe, pause, and think before making a major decision. Even if it is an emergency, you can usually afford 5 minutes and a phone call to someone else before you make the final call.

Name the power you and others hold. Get used to naming when you are deciding.
Your co-workers, employees, and clients should know you are making the decision even without input. It builds trust and clarity when you give honest answers about how a decision is made.

(Do I think you should give up some of your decision-making power? Yes, I do. There are many thoughtful ways to share power and gain creativity in decision-making.)

Be clear about when and how you will use input in your decision-making.
Name when and how feedback will be used in your decision. Come back to anyone you asked for input and name how you used it in your decision, including why you did not follow advice. Clarify when you are not asking for input and why.

Coach and support your team to know different ways to make decisions and use a few tools everyone is trained on for making decisions.
Give your team the tools you are using. Have managers share their strategies for decision-making and take through their decision-making processes and reasoning. The more you prepare everyone to make thoughtful, aware, value-aligned decisions, the stronger your organization is.

Do you want to know the other vital processes essential to making teamwork work?
Check out this post!

P.S. Guess what?

Inside Clear Harbor in the fall, we will lead a 5-part series on how to set up a solid set of decision-making processes and deal with sticky, complex decision-making. Be on the lookout for when our doors to the community open in the fall!

Recalibrate, listen and explore: a mid-summer check-in

August 3, 2023

How are you doing this season?

Over here in the northwest, summer is a noteworthy season. Why? Because there is incredible fruit and warmth and no rain or snow. Everyone is out and about. It brings a particular kind of delight AND in like matter a frantic, frenetic energy. People want to do everything… sit by a body of water, drive to a mountain, eat ripe peaches and corn. See all the people they love.

I feel this delight and pressure too. And now, with a child, I have the added urge of wanting him to experience it all and feel connected to the land where he lives and the joy of being outside with people we love.

This season highlights the push and pull I feel at this time in my life. I want to be present and soak in the joys and delights around me as a human on this earth – noticing the color and texture of bumble bees and butterflies, laughter, and the feel of my feet in cold, glacier streams. I want to be in this moment of life with my child – muddy hands, skinned-up knees, a face sticky sweet, holding hands with a summer friend. I want to make spacious room for my clients to recalibrate, listen, explore, and make plans that build toward bigger possibilities. Additionally, there is a list of hopes for my partner, family, community, and self.

What are all the pieces of summer you are holding? What do you want to feel and experience this season?

I have moments of inner struggle and grumpiness because it is not possible to make all of these things happen simultaneously inside linear time.

Again, I remind myself that I cannot do it all.

So how do I find my way toward these intentions for the rest of summer without overwhelm?

Here is what I do to reset and reduce stress:

Name my intentions (see above)
Name my constraints (time, energy, other people, etc.)
Look for supports
Simplify (where can I do less, where can I lower internal or external expectations)
Overcommunicate and calendar with my partner (and key colleagues or family)
Build in slowdowns (when am I pausing to check in with my body)
Offer gratitude out loud at the moment for what I am seeing and the humans around me
Be okay with an unconventional work schedule (as long as I have solid boundaries in place)
Use a metaphor for the season to remind me of my intention

It is not too late to invite in a different way to be during this summer (or the next season) – if you feel frenetic, frustrated, “blah”, or disconnected. It may be cheesy, but it is also true; every day, you have an opportunity to reset your intentions and actions.

Today I intend to dig into key client communications and connections, eat a juicy peach, and sit outside with my son in the late summer afternoon.

Want reflection questions to support your reset? Check out more below.

Here is to a fruitful summer,

Annie

If you find this info helpful, please consider joining my email list. You’ll get helpful tools and learn about the practices I use for myself and to help leaders and teams gain clarity, work collaboratively, and discover a deeper sense of purpose, connection, and joy.

From going it alone – to asking for support

March 27, 2023

First, I know you know that I LOVE small groups of human beings and what they can do when they work together toward a common goal. (And yes, I sometimes get stressed, annoyed, and worked up when working with small groups of people.) But mostly, I love it!

And yet, I still don’t always reach out and ask for support when I need it or create collaboratively when the results would be better if a small group was involved.

Why do I still opt for the individual response or act?

Perhaps the deeply ingrained individualistic, capitalist culture and my own internalized whiteness taught me the false notion that working together is weak and dangerous. Maybe I internalized that it was important to keep my circle of care small – so as not to feel shame or lose face. I think yes. And I desire to remain in control and not feel vulnerable by showing my needs or my first draft ideas. Yes, this.

All these things stop me from reaching out even when I know supporting each other and creating together in a community leads to less loneliness, better ideas, and overall strengthens the fabric of our humanness.

I am actively working on stretching even further toward being in community. I am committing to offering care and following through with my offers, asking for support, and creating solutions with others.

Building together is an antidote to toxic capitalism and creates ripples of compassion, connection, and creativity; still, it takes courage to reach out, share and build with fellow brilliant, messy humans.

I want to share a recent story in my life where I have actively shifted from “going it alone” to “asking for support.”

In our family life, there have been a LOT of sicknesses. A friend recently talked about something in our family’s timeline by asking – “Was that between sickness number 7 and number 8?” This is not a new story for all the families with kids under 10 returning to schools and childcare outside the home. We are all constantly dealing with someone sick in the house. And this means – a decrease in physical and mental well-being, double duty for family members (caretaking and other work), loss of work hours, late nights, and very messy houses (okay maybe the mess is just us).

During the holidays, when I was quarantined downstairs with Covid, our flights to be with family were canceled, and Rob and Lino celebrating alone – I thought to myself – we need help. I asked Rob what he was missing the most. He said he was sad not to have the big meal (with lots of succulent meat) we would have had with his family. I texted a few sets of beloved friends asking – “Hey if you have a few leftovers after holiday meals, could you drop them off?”

Friends said yes.

We ate for days on crab, steak, a full Moroccan feast, and a multi-layer cake.

Support came too in the form of texts checking in on us, funny memes, movie recommendations I could watch while in bed, and herbal medicines left in our milk box.

For me, asking for support was easy and embarrassing. I had to swallow the notion that we should do it alone. And we could have “done it alone” but missed the opportunity to feel alive and held in others’ care. Because I asked for help, I knew my family was cared for upstairs. I could rest.

One thing to know, however, the support only happened partially because of 1 or 2 texts. The friends I contacted have been in our life for over ten years. Many of them we currently or have lived in community with. I have asked for support before. And I have asked many of them in times of sickness and loss, “what can I do?” and in times of celebration, “what can I bring?”

We are in an ongoing, evolving, mutual community of support. I am committed to loving them, and I care about their well-being.

You may have this in your personal life. If you don’t, it IS possible to create this – find the friendships or acquaintances you want to invest in and check in with them more often. Or join a group experience like a hiking or book group and provide care and ask them for support.

Though, I wonder, do you foster these kinds of caring communities in your professional life?

Do you have groups you can turn to when things are falling apart in a project?

Who would you text and ask to talk for a few minutes about a problem with a team you are leading?

Who is supporting you in your leadership and growth? Who do you support and offer care to?

Communities of support give us the room to reflect, learn, be seen, give and receive care, keep our values and actions consistent, release shame, do better, innovate, and create.

Take one small step today to join or foster a community of support.

P.S. The teams you work in can offer solid support and a place to build and create together. If you want help building a stronger team that can support each other and make changes, let’s talk!

How to bring in joy & intention when building partnerships [Leaders Creating Change Series]

February 27, 2023

Thoughtfully built relationships are vital to creating long-term partnerships that support your work, mission, and also support you in your leadership. I am always looking to learn better and different ways to be in relationships and in partnerships with fellow humans – so that together we can create social change and experience joy and delight along the way.

I want to share more opportunities for you to gather and hear from thoughtful leaders building toward equity and social change in their communities.

I recently had the joy of talking with Amanda Thomas, Director, Community Partnership for Tacoma Public Schools. We spoke about how she shows up in spaces, builds community, and creates long-term partnerships. Amanda is one of my favorite leaders to work with and it was a delight to hear her talk about her leadership and work.

Hear what Amanda says about building relationships even in institutional capacities:

You can probably tell from our conversation that Amanda brings joy into her work and the communities she’s a part of, so I wanted to know how joy fits into building relationships for her. She said…

Amanda offered the reminder that it IS enough to simply be in relationship with each other. Building relationships thoughtfully over time supports your growth as a leader and your ability to create something bigger and more meaningful. Investing time in the relationship without considering what you have to gain creates trust and space for learning and creativity. This allows you to make more significant and impactful changes.

We can’t do any of our change work alone.

If we’re going to build larger solutions, we have to be in conversations with each other and hear diverse perspectives. We must be able to see and talk about the problems with people who view them differently.

It’s more than just partnerships, though. As leaders, we have to identify and find the support we need intentionally. I asked Amanda how she has built a support community around herself. She finds support in others but also in herself.

I’m grateful to have found support in my relationship with Amanda. My hope for you is that you have built or are building partnerships and communities of support for yourself, too.

In what ways are you putting energy into relationships simply for the joy and act of being in community?

A massive thank you to Amanda for joining me and for always showing up in spaces and giving very freely to community.

Interested in the full interview with Amanda? To learn more about building relationships and partnerships, grab it here.

A secret tool for navigating ongoing courageous conversations

November 15, 2022

I have a secret tool I use to help me navigate ongoing, courageous conversations, and I did not learn it from running my business or a workshop – I am learning it from parenting.

I am noticing in my current work with clients – leaders are working seriously to create brave, co-led, collaborative workplaces. (I believe this is because people expect and require this from their workplace, more leaders with the intent to create a healthy, equitable workplace are moving into positions of power, and there are more opportunities and resources to learn and become an inclusive, collaborative organization.)

Of course, healthy, inclusive, collaborative workplaces require more relationship-building, more navigation of ethical decision-making and processes, and more thoughtful conversations. And not just a single courageous conversation. Most moments require a series of honest, difficult conversations.

So what does this have to do with my current parenting learnings?

I am parenting an exuberant, loving, imaginative child who feels things quickly and with his whole body. It requires me to learn how to navigate accountability, boundaries, and big conversations with a level of calm and compassion – I honestly was never able to muster in grown-up spaces until now.

(Umm, partially because the child I am parenting is biologically mine, and he may have gotten his ability to have big feelings fast from my DNA.)

To show up calmly and not escalate the situation, I have had to increase my compassion and nervous system regulation practices.

Here is my not-so-secret secret. The more I support myself to feel compassion (toward others and myself) and calm (by taking good care of my own body and nervous system) – the better I am navigating highly charged situations with my son (oh, and with other family members, and with clients).

I may not be telling you anything new.

You probably know that when you can offer yourself and others a little compassion, your relationships and conversations improve. You also know when you’re rested and grounded – it is easier to enter into complex discussions.

Disrupt the idea that you don’t deserve rest.
Tricia Hersey, the founder of The Nap Ministry, says: “I’m divine. Rest is my birthright.
To disrupt that and push back is social justice.”

Read about the Nap Ministry here & her upcoming book.

Knowing this and applying it at the moment are two different things.

Here is my technique for increasing compassion & calm to support brave communication:

FIND: Find out what practices work best to increase calm, groundedness, and compassion. (You could explore silent walks, meditation and mindfulness apps, yoga, tai chi, time outside, time off media, naps, trying different breathing techniques, breathwork*, or create rest and reflection in your day.)
TRY: Try out explicit self-compassion or metta meditations.
BUILD: Build in 5 to 10 minutes a day devoted to building a habit that increases your ability to tap into calm and compassion.
CREATE SPACE: Before entering into a brave conversation, create time in your calendar to slow down (10-30 minutes) and use a practice that allows you to slow down, increase compassion, and get into a more grounded state.
- Bonus points if you try a metta meditation before your conversation.
REVISIT: After your conversation, build in 10-20 minutes to revisit a practice that supports you feeling calm in your body.
SEEK: Ensure you have a friend or colleague outside of work to call in for support before and after. (Remember that you want this person to hold you accountable to your values and not insert shame into the situation.)

Get this technique in a handout!

I am grateful for the learning required of me as a parent to show up with love, commitment, and accountability for my child. My continued learning is changing how I show up in my professional relationships daily. I still feel ALL the feels (the disappointment in myself, the frustrations in others, and being overwhelmed with the tasks at hand). However, at the same time as feeling everything, I can also tap into a well of calm inside my body that allows me to stay more present in my professional relationships and in my commitment to support the building of more inclusive, just, healthy workplaces.

May you find moments of calm and compassion as you show up bravely in your leadership, relationships, and conversations.

_{*A note on breathwork. Breathwork and nervous system practices can bring on trauma responses if not trauma-informed. It can be helpful to have the support of a mental health provider while exploring these techniques.}

Blog

Finding Strength in Support: Preventing Burnout in Challenging Times

I feel it.
Do you feel it?

The belief that leads to burnout

Types of support

Asking for support

Examples

Caveat

Resources

What to do when your vacation isn’t a vacation

Simple tips to add rest into a busy summer schedule

How to strengthen your leadership

Excellent leaders never stop working on this one thing

What is the simplest and sometimes the most challenging way to show up as a thoughtful, clear, prepared leader?

Recalibrate, listen and explore: a mid-summer check-in

From going it alone – to asking for support

Communities of support give us the room to reflect, learn, be seen, give and receive care, keep our values and actions consistent, release shame, do better, innovate, and create.

How to bring in joy & intention when building partnerships [Leaders Creating Change Series]

A secret tool for navigating ongoing courageous conversations

Categories

Recent posts

I feel it.Do you feel it?

The belief that leads to burnout

Types of support

Asking for support

Examples

Caveat

Resources

Communities of support give us the room to reflect, learn, be seen, give and receive care, keep our values and actions consistent, release shame, do better, innovate, and create.

Categories

Recent posts

I feel it.
Do you feel it?