All posts tagged: support

What to do when your vacation isn’t a vacation

August 21, 2024

In our leadership membership, Clear Harbor, we are discussing “rest and action for freedom,” which has me thinking about my own relationship with rest (and action), how to build more rest into a busy schedule, and take time off for rest.

Have you had the experience of taking time off from work to go on a vacation (or staying home to vacation) and not being rested at the end of that long weekend or week?

This happens to me more than I would like to admit.
Setting aside the time and resources to take a real break is also work. When that break does not give you time for rest, relaxation, or restoration, it is a letdown.

Here are a few suggestions for what to do when a vacation does not equal rest:

Notice and acknowledge that you did not get rest from a break.
Try to be kind to yourself (and others who were with you) as you do this.
The only way to give yourself what you need is to notice when you don’t have it.
Harness the shift in your perspective.
Usually, a break will give you a new perspective on your current life (even if it does not give you rest). This is an opportunity to make a subtle change.
What did this time away show you that you could have more or less of in your day-to-day life?
Add rest in now!
It is not too late. Take advantage of the change in schedule and routine.
Go to bed early. Sneak away from work during a lunch break.
What did you crave during your vacation that you did not get? A walk, a book, a moment alone, a celebratory dinner…

That “longing” tells you something you can do RIGHT NOW in a small moment.

It may seem indulgent – but you could give yourself a single “sick” day in the next two weeks and “check” a few of your rest desires off your list.

Does that sound divine and mischievous? YES! Do it!
Evaluate for the next time.
What could you do differently before and during your vacation to add rest?
What boundaries can you set for yourself or with loved ones next time?
What did you learn about what vacations give you rest and restoration and which don’t?

Now you know – take one lesson and practice it on your next time off.

I’ve got you if you don’t have any time off and are in go mode right now. Check out my blog post for tips on adding rest when you are busy.

Let me know – have you had a time when a vacation was not a vacation? What did you do to recoup after your non-vacation?

…

Simple tips to add rest into a busy summer schedule

July 22, 2024

It is summer in the Pacific Northwest, and as I have shared, for many people, summer is supposed to be a time of rest and relaxation. However, the Pacific Northwest’s culture, and especially the Seattle area, is one of sun and outdoor scarcity.

Many of us feel we have a finite amount of time to be outside doing dozens of activities with all the people we love. And most of us are still working and caring for others, too.

Ironically, this equals more pressure to “enjoy and relax” with more things to do and even accomplish.

It can be a mind-bending experience.
I am first trying to deal with this by being honest with myself.
I want to do “all the things” this summer and fit it all in. At the same time, my professional work does not slow down, and family caretaking and coordination increase.

This particular summer, my partner Roberto and I have agreed that we need to have less stress and more regulated nervous systems. This is a requirement for a few things we are navigating with our family this season.

So how do you do this… reduce stress, increase rest and regulation when the pressure is on to get it ALL DONE, and have a great dang time doing it?

I want to share ways to rest inside of a busy time.

But first, what is “rest?”
Here are a few definitions to help you determine whether you are resting…

“A period of time in which you relax, do not do anything active, or sleep.” – Cambridge Dictionary

“To rest means to relax into something and let it support you.”
“To take a short break from one’s activities in order to relax.” – Vocabulary.com

Okay—now we are reminded that resting is not about doing more; it is, if possible, about relaxing and maybe even sleeping!

Here are my tips and tricks for building in more rest:

Recognize the Pockets
Look for the little pockets already in your life and schedule where you can rest.
Notice them and lean back into them.

When are things slower and quieter?
When is there a natural pause between one activity and the next?
When is there a moment of waiting? In a line? A doctor’s office? A train?

Take those little pockets and let them be rest moments. You take a breath. You sit quietly. You stand for a moment and notice your feet.

When you notice the pull to take out your phone you can say to yourself – “ah I am giving myself a little rest.”

Retreat
Get up, walk away from the table, desk, or computer, and find a few moments of rest.

Lay down on the couch and set a timer for 10-15 minutes.
Take your coffee outside and sit on a front step without your screen or device.
Turn toward a window, watch things around you, or notice a plant or animal.

Replace
Replace the scrolling with seeing what your body needs.
Replace the “doing one more thing” with pausing and breathing.
Replace the screen with a little sleep.
Replace the taking a picture with being present to what you see.

You get the point. 😉

Reduce
Okay, this one is annoying!
You may be like…. ”Annie, you said rest inside of a busy time!”

Y’all, honestly, the only way to get more rest is to do less.

This is so basic and yet hard to do that it is obnoxious, but most of us don’t stop DOING, and we are TIRED.

If you want more time to feel good in your body and be less grumpy with those you love… you have to reduce the number of things you take on.

Now different people (and times in life) require different activity levels.
You know you. You can probably determine whether you need to reduce a few things.

The basics of this skill are:
1. Take something you feel you “should do” but don’t need to do.
2. Stop doing it.
3. Say, “I am not available.” Say, “Oh, I wish I could, but I’ve overcommitted myself.”

This is my hardest one AND the one that gains me the most rest.
The trick is to NOT put more “doing” in the place of the thing you reduced.
Instead, REST FIRST – start with lying down on the floor!

A note:
Adding more rest when the pressure is on can be difficult.
In the long term, to avoid burnout, your body and mind need longer, sustained periods of rest and ongoing rest practices. I will share a few additional ways to increase rest in the coming months.

The go-to resource for Rest & Liberation – Tricia Hersey:

A fabulous teacher and resource for rest is Tricia Hersey & The Nap Ministry

“Rest is a form of resistance because it pushes back and disrupts white supremacy and capitalism.
Our bodies are a site of liberation. And that brings into the somatics the idea that wherever our bodies are, we can find rest.”

– Rest as Resistance Tenets #1 & #2, Tricia Hersey

Tricia Hersey on NPR

Tricia Hersey’s book – Rest is Resistance: a Manifesto

The Nap Ministry’s Rest Deck

How to bring in joy & intention when building partnerships [Leaders Creating Change Series]

February 27, 2023

Thoughtfully built relationships are vital to creating long-term partnerships that support your work, mission, and also support you in your leadership. I am always looking to learn better and different ways to be in relationships and in partnerships with fellow humans – so that together we can create social change and experience joy and delight along the way.

I want to share more opportunities for you to gather and hear from thoughtful leaders building toward equity and social change in their communities.

I recently had the joy of talking with Amanda Thomas, Director, Community Partnership for Tacoma Public Schools. We spoke about how she shows up in spaces, builds community, and creates long-term partnerships. Amanda is one of my favorite leaders to work with and it was a delight to hear her talk about her leadership and work.

Hear what Amanda says about building relationships even in institutional capacities:

You can probably tell from our conversation that Amanda brings joy into her work and the communities she’s a part of, so I wanted to know how joy fits into building relationships for her. She said…

Amanda offered the reminder that it IS enough to simply be in relationship with each other. Building relationships thoughtfully over time supports your growth as a leader and your ability to create something bigger and more meaningful. Investing time in the relationship without considering what you have to gain creates trust and space for learning and creativity. This allows you to make more significant and impactful changes.

We can’t do any of our change work alone.

If we’re going to build larger solutions, we have to be in conversations with each other and hear diverse perspectives. We must be able to see and talk about the problems with people who view them differently.

It’s more than just partnerships, though. As leaders, we have to identify and find the support we need intentionally. I asked Amanda how she has built a support community around herself. She finds support in others but also in herself.

I’m grateful to have found support in my relationship with Amanda. My hope for you is that you have built or are building partnerships and communities of support for yourself, too.

In what ways are you putting energy into relationships simply for the joy and act of being in community?

A massive thank you to Amanda for joining me and for always showing up in spaces and giving very freely to community.

Interested in the full interview with Amanda? To learn more about building relationships and partnerships, grab it here.

How to make and maintain healthy connections

July 20, 2021

Are you finding yourself getting clearer right now on who you want to be in relationships with or what you need from the relationships around you?

As I begin to see friends and clients in person, I am acutely aware of what I missed, what I need, and what I want to offer.

I know how important my connections are to the people in my life because of the distance we had to have between us. I am grateful for the connections in my life because of the immense support I received from colleagues, clients, friends, and family in the last year.

A few weeks ago, I offered you a check-in to assure your personal and professional connections are healthy and supportive on many fronts.

(In case you missed it here you go…)

Perhaps you have found yourself longing for connections in your life that are joyful, supportive, diverse, and value-aligned.

A reminder it is a lot to ask any one person to be all these things for you all the time! We need to continue to cultivate old and new relationships for our well-being.

Today I am giving you a quick set of reminders for how to make and maintain healthy connections in your professional and personal life.

We can all use people in our lives who have our back, remind us of joy, support our learning, and ensure that we continue to become better versions of ourselves.

May your July bring you healthy new and old connections!

Has this note made you think of someone who supported you in the last year? Send them a quick text telling them you appreciate them!

4 essential human connections we all need right now

July 7, 2021

Connections to other humans keep us learning and growing.

Healthy human connections provide us with love and support (even in the workplace).

Our relationships to each other can increase our joy, fun, and happiness.

Social connections have been proven to help us regulate emotions, have higher empathy, reduce anxiety & depression and even improve our immune system.*

We need each other.

And we need more than one or two people in our lives.

We cannot be everything to everyone.

And no one person in our life, can be everything to you, or their family, or their work teams.

We need a diversity of social connections and interactions to be fed and keep going.

(Don’t worry fabulous introverts this doesn’t mean you have to be interacting all the time with a dozen other humans either!)

How can you have relationships around you that support your health, and growth as a human?

I made this quick “audit” for you to think about what your current connections are offering you (and you are offering them) and how to have an even greater level of support and joy from the different relationships in your life.

Check out the video here:

May you have social connections around you that hold you up and support you in all parts of your life.

Looking for a new place to build supportive professional relationships?

Clear Harbor waitlist is now open!

Are you a leader committed to a more equitable and just world looking for a space away from your current work team to reflect, build relationships, and problem solve?

The next cohorts of Clear Harbor are opening in September!

Get on the waitlist now to get more information when the doors open.

This year there will be two kinds of cohorts.
Cohorts for leaders with a high-level of decision-making authority and responsibility (job titles like CEO, ED and Director) AND cohorts for leaders who lead from within in their business or organization (any job title).

Wanting more support from a community of leaders committed to inclusion, equity, and anti-racism?

Jump on the waitlist and I will be in touch.

The first hug in a year

June 9, 2021

I gave my first hug to a friend I hadn’t hugged in over a year. I felt a mix of tenderness, joy, relief, sadness, and distance. The feelings surprised me. I expected sheer delight – I love this person SO much! Instead, I think the hug was exactly what is meant by the word bittersweet.

I recognized something else in that hug and subsequent first hugs after. My feelings right now are different than I assumed. They are milder and murkier than I expect. I think this is because for the last year, I was not able to have many nuanced emotions.

My mind has been locked down tight. I was focused on attending to the safety and wellbeing of my family and the community. I watched Covid take people’s lives, wellbeing, and livelihood. I witnessed the racial reckoning of our country with held breath and continued to find what I must do and undo professionally and personally to be a part of ending racism. I observed friends navigating hardships from a distance and did my best to send love. I supported clients in their huge lifts to carry on their missions.

This last year I felt sad, and angry. At times I felt grateful and glimmers of sweet joy. And that was it.

My focus was tight and that was necessary, but it had its repercussions.

I did not make room for a larger reflection on what was missing.

My spectrum of thinking, feeling, and experiencing was constrained to attend to the immediacy of survival and to respond to immediate personal and societal concerns.

This is not a new thing for humans. We all close in our emotions, and perspective in our daily lives in moments of pressure, trauma, conflict, violence, and loss.

As tender and quieter thoughts and emotions emerge, I can feel the shape of the cold, exterior container I built to get through the last year. I do not want to be in that container but I know it will take awhile to set it down.

I want to share with you the slow ways I am dancing with the re-emergence of a fuller spectrum of emotions and thoughts. (I am not a trauma-expert, so I am including other resources below.)

You can better see and support others in your work and life, if you tend to where you are emotionally, mentally, and even physically, in this transition.

Here is what is supporting me:

I am paying attention to how I am feeling in the moment.

I am moving at the speed I can and trying to understand what others may be feeling or experiencing (i.e. go at your own pace and support others in their own pace.)
I am building connections with people who can listen without judgement or shame and whom I can offer the same to.
I am reflecting alone with walks, movement, and writing.
I am finding moments of appreciation, thinking “I appreciate this… I appreciate you for…” and then letting the appreciation sink in.

The cliff notes:

Notice your feelings.
Go at your own pace.
Know and understand other peoples’ pace.
Connect with others who can listen, and you can listen to.
Reflect alone.
Appreciate the people, moments, the things you can.

Reflection questions to go deeper alone or together:
– What have I been feeling about…
– What am I feeling now about…
– What do I need? What do you need?
– What am I experiencing right now?
– What do I want to take with me from last year?

May you have moments of real connection with others and with yourself this month.

Here are two guides from the past months to support in this continued time of transition:

5 steps for grounding during instability
How to prepare for reopening

Trauma, grief & tending to emotions – a mix of resources

People on Insta for support & resources:
@nedratawwab – Nedra Tawwab
@Alex_elle – alexandra elle

Websites
Self-compassion – Dr. Kristin Neff’s resources & meditations
Cloud Sangha – facilitated mindfulness groups, including groups for people of color and women
Spell for grief & letting go – adrienne maree brown

Movie
The Wisdom of Trauma movie – Dr. Gabor Mate

Books
The Body is not an apology, Sonya Renee Taylor
The Body keeps the score, Dr. van der Kolk
No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering, Thich Nhat Hanh
Walking each other home: Conversations on loving and dying, Ram Dass & Mirabai Bush
The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity, Nadine Burke Harris

Thank you to my social work colleagues for these resources!
Have others I should include in my list? – Please send your recommendations.