My throat tightens and my neck and shoulders pull in toward my back.
She says to me again, “I am wondering if we can talk more about what just happened?”
Everything quickens, my mind jumps, and I think, “What did I do? What is wrong?”
I begin to feel nervous and a bit ashamed.
I do not like feeling ashamed.
And I know for me nervous often leads to anxious.
I do not like anxious… I want this feeling to end quickly, now.
I blurt out “oh I know, I know… I didn’t mean to” before she has even finished her second sentence.
Whew that took care of that – now we can move on!
Or another time… my heartbeat quickens, my face flushes hot.
This person is telling me their opinion and whoa are they so wrong!
“Oh no you don’t,” I think… “you have no idea… you do not understand the reality of the situation in the least.”
I jump in and interject my opinion, explaining the correct way, of course!
And they fly back with an even hotter remark about the way we see it. Game on!
Or they clench their jaw and stop talking. And I have won.
These could be hypothetical examples of moments when we lose our cool, are about to receive tough feedback, or hear a viewpoint that is completely different than ours.
However, they are not hypothetical for me – both instances happened in the last four weeks.
You may relate.
My quick response to protect myself from feeling anything does not help anything change nor does it lead to better relationships.
I am working at not going into these states of behavior immediately.
I try to slow down and stay open.
When I can stay open, non-defensive and listen, I can:
- deepen my connection with colleagues,
- develop the muscles to stay in moments that are uncomfortable,
- learn that I can become a more aware & empathetic version of myself.
Here are the steps I take in the middle of a challenging conversation to stay open.
(Oh, did you miss part 1? Check out this video about why we shut conversations down.)
I made a downloadable guide just for you (and me) – with the steps I use to stay non-defensive when the conversation gets sticky.
A few of my favorite resources are in the guide too!
May we all deepen our ability to engage in rich, fruitful, world changing conversations with each other.